Author Topic: Jokes Thread  (Read 7131 times)

Cat Lover

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Under the wagon
« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2014, 08:24:10 pm »
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate.  "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."

"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon," replied Willis.

Pip

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Re: How was I born?
« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2014, 08:28:23 pm »
 :lol3:

Sweetpea

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Re: How was I born?
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2014, 02:34:00 pm »
 :biggrin:

Mrs Catweazel

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Re: Free Drinks
« Reply #18 on: May 13, 2014, 07:03:02 pm »
 :lolbig2:

In Gods Hands

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Re: Under the wagon
« Reply #19 on: May 13, 2014, 07:18:48 pm »
 :thud:

Narnia

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Re: Free Drinks
« Reply #20 on: May 16, 2014, 12:11:06 pm »
 :happy0158:

Pip

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How to Handle Teens
« Reply #21 on: May 22, 2014, 04:03:57 pm »
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.  The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.  The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.  "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Mrs Catweazel

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The Good Old Days
« Reply #22 on: May 24, 2014, 04:43:41 pm »
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.  With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.  Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Pip

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Unscheduled Outage
« Reply #23 on: February 18, 2017, 08:57:54 pm »
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.  "Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech.

Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over.  The Administrator's response?

"Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"

Raven

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The pie
« Reply #24 on: May 04, 2017, 02:51:18 pm »
College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason.  "What kind of pie do you call this?" asked one student indignantly to the cafeteria attendent.

"What's it taste like?" asked the cook.

"Glue!"

"Then it's apple pie. The plum pie tastes like soap."

Raven

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The boyfriend
« Reply #25 on: May 04, 2017, 03:01:24 pm »
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.  Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.   Trying to be diplomatic, Mom said, "Dear, he just doesn't seem like the all American boy you've dated before. He's not really that nice."

"Oh come on, Mom," replied the daughter. "If he wasn't that nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Pip

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Flakey Murder
« Reply #26 on: May 25, 2017, 11:08:40 pm »
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.  "What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

Raven

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Taxi tour
« Reply #27 on: June 21, 2017, 04:35:18 pm »
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

Next they passed the House of Parliament started in 1544 and completed in 1618.  "Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.  "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

Willow

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First Apartment
« Reply #28 on: June 21, 2017, 07:29:44 pm »
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and I for a visit.  As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink.  Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"

He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."

Betty Boop

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Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids
« Reply #29 on: February 16, 2018, 10:26:29 pm »
 Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids

It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.

Dogs cannot lie.

Dogs never resist nap time.

You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.

Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.

Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.

Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.

Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42

Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000