Author Topic: Jokes Thread  (Read 7124 times)

Betty Boop

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Questionable Predictions
« Reply #30 on: February 16, 2018, 10:29:49 pm »
 Questionable Predictions

Nostradamus recently turned 500. Here are some other predictions from lesser lights:

- Law will be simplified (over the next century). Lawyers will have diminished, and their fees will have been vastly curtailed. - Junius Henri Browne 1893

- By 1960, work will be limited to three hours a day. --John Langdon-Davies

- Hurrah, Boys, we've caught them napping. We'll finish them up and go home to our station. --George A. Custer, 1876, prior to the Battle of Little Big Horn

- Get rid of the pointed-ears guy. --NBC executive, regarding Mr. Spock of STAR TREK, 1966

- Telephones (will) bring peace on earth, eliminate Southern accents, and save the farm by making farmers less lonely. - printed in THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, Century-old Pronouncements, 1995

Betty Boop

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Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Work
« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2018, 10:33:21 pm »
 Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Work

- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

- "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

- "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

- "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

- "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

- "The coffee machine is broken."

- "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

- "... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Pip

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Jokes thread
« Reply #32 on: March 14, 2018, 09:50:50 pm »
Lions

A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.  He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.  Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.

Moral of the story: Don't read between the "lions."

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #33 on: March 14, 2018, 10:02:37 pm »
 Mad Cows

Two cows are chatting in a field. One says to the other, "Are you worried by this mad cow disease?"

The second cow says, "It doesn't affect me I'm a rabbit!"

Boudicca

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #34 on: April 10, 2018, 09:02:01 pm »
The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.  When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.  When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.  At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle

Boudicca

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #35 on: April 10, 2018, 09:24:38 pm »
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.  To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card."

Boudicca

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #36 on: April 10, 2018, 09:26:53 pm »
TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH
 
1. "Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"
 
2. "I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."
 
3. "Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."
 
4. "I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV Evangelists."
 
5. "I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."
 
6. "Forget the denominational minimum salary.  Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"
 
7. "I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before."
 
8. "Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"
 
9. "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."
 
10. "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign."

Cat Lover

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #37 on: May 11, 2018, 08:38:53 pm »
Once upon a time, there was an old man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a miser, he lived like a pauper, he hardly had food, but he loved his money more than just about anything else in the world.  Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I need my money in the afterlife. Can you promise me that you'll do that?"

His wife was faithful, so she promised him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket.  When the old man died his wife gave him a proper funeral. He was laid out in a beautiful casket and his faithful wife was in the front row at the funeral parlor dressed in black, sitting beside her best friend. When the ceremony ended, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife rose from her seat and said, "Wait just a minute!"

With that, she placed a box inside the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.  The friend grabbed the wife by the arm and said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in the casket with that man, were you?'

The wife said to her friend, "Listen, I am a Christian woman and I can never lie. I promised him that I was going to put the money in his casket with him and I did."

The friend was horrified and asked, "You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket with that man?"

The wife replied, "I sure did I wrote him a check."

Willow

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #38 on: September 07, 2018, 09:44:01 pm »
An man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old woman sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.  The thirsty man asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The woman replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your outfit."

The man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"Okay, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice person I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The dehydrated soul thanked the woman and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.  Three hours later he returned crawling back to where the woman was still sitting behind her card table.  She said "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The man rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #39 on: October 14, 2018, 10:21:52 pm »
Dewey heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.  So, on his 21st birthday, Dewey and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Dewey and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dewey stepped off of the side of the boat and nearly drowned.  Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home.  When Dewey arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

His sweet old grandmother took Dewey by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January, You were born in June, dear."

Sweetpea

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #40 on: April 15, 2019, 06:56:25 pm »
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN...

I'm the life of the party even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians...

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like uhhhh ummmm

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #41 on: April 15, 2019, 07:24:11 pm »
SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS

~ A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

~ If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

~ A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

~ Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

~ A clean kitchen is a sign of a misspent life.

~ Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

~ Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

~ My next house will have no kitchen just vending machines.

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #42 on: April 15, 2019, 07:26:16 pm »
A customer called his car-rental company and said he needed a tow. The driver named the highway where he was stranded but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.  The representative asked for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."

After a pause, the driver replied: "It's the one on fire."

Barny Owl

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Re: Questionable Predictions
« Reply #43 on: April 27, 2019, 05:47:28 pm »
 :rofl:

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #44 on: May 03, 2019, 10:34:09 pm »
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.  The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
 
"Any time," her daughter replied.
 
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."