Author Topic: Jokes Thread  (Read 7127 times)

Calamity Jane

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #45 on: May 09, 2019, 03:56:13 pm »
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.  Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth.  The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.  He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #46 on: May 09, 2019, 08:05:11 pm »
A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed in the next county over.  The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #47 on: May 09, 2019, 08:10:03 pm »
In a shop that sold religious items was a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them.

Customer: "WWJD?  What does that mean?"

Clerk: "WWJD stands for 'What Would Jesus Do' "

Customer: "Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't pay $23.95 for one of these baseball caps."

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #48 on: May 16, 2019, 08:01:27 pm »
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.  "Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

Mrs Catweazel

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #49 on: May 30, 2019, 06:41:11 pm »
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Paddy, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I would that, Father."

The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

Paddy said, "No."

The priest said, "And why not?"

He said, "I have two greyhounds."

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #50 on: June 18, 2019, 10:17:53 pm »
This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help.  That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm!  He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.  "Boss", he said. "The pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

In Gods Hands

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #51 on: August 10, 2019, 06:09:15 pm »
An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates.  “Man,” he says to Saint Peter, “I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it’s time for some much needed R and R.”
 
Saint Peter looks at him and says “Didn't you hear? You have a new agenda!”
 
“Agenda?” says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet. “Where is it?!”
 
Saint Peter smiles and says “Oh, it’s on the cloud now!”

In Gods Hands

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #52 on: August 10, 2019, 06:49:47 pm »
An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.  Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

In Gods Hands

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #53 on: August 10, 2019, 06:51:14 pm »
A couple from the city went to a Dude Ranch while in Texas.  The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.  He told her one had a horn and one didn't.  She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #54 on: August 18, 2019, 05:01:12 pm »
One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl and an owl called back to him!  They had a whole "conversation."  He tried it again the next night, and the next and the owl always answered.  He was fascinated.  Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Just then it dawned on them.
 

Minnie

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #55 on: August 20, 2019, 07:29:10 pm »
A guy hears a knock at the door.  He opens it up to find a snail.  He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.  Five years go by.  One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail.  The snail says, "What the heck was that about?!"

Minnie

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #56 on: August 20, 2019, 07:31:24 pm »
The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. "Give me the full treatment," the man said. "I want to look good in the parade!"

After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"

Minnie

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #57 on: August 20, 2019, 07:35:05 pm »
It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.  "If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."

Narnia

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #58 on: September 12, 2019, 07:21:25 pm »
An elderly man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art it's perfect."

"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Well, I'll tell you. It's two thirty-three."

Pip

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #59 on: September 23, 2019, 09:42:27 pm »
Little Johnny's mom was worried.  She hadn't seen her elderly neighbor, Mrs. Goldbaum, in days.  She asked: "Johnny, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldbaum is?"

A few minutes later, Johnny returned.  Mom: "Well, is she all right?"

Johnny: "She's fine, except that she's mad at you."

Mom: "At me?  Whatever for?"

Johnny: "She said its none of your business how old she is."